It is 10:08am, and I am sitting here trying so hard to get the right words to fall into place and explain how I am feeling. As I sit here I am twisting the ring on my finger, shaking my legs, and trying to re-adjust to find comfort ,but it’s far from my reach. All these people are talking around me causeing such distraction and my mind flooding with unnessecary thoughts isn’t helping. I sit and wonder why I can’t just be normal?… my stomach is flipped upside down over such small, stupid things. I just want to be able to sit here and tell you how I feel but it is just not that easy. The fear that nobody will understand me just haunts my mind!!
It is such a normal feeling to be anxious about something super duper important coming up in your life, but what about the times when everything is relaxed around you, yet you feel like there is something catastrophic going on. I feel llike I just need to run away from myself so I can get in a quick break. I want a break from feeling like something bad is going to happen, from the irrational thoughts, the feeling that everyone forgets about me and the fear that I will never be the happy person I want to be. I worry so much that people just begin to get annoyed and think that I just need to ‘chill’ and leave them a lone but it’s a strong insecurity that my anxiety has given to me where I just want the satisfaction that I do mean something.
Is anxious even the right word for me anymore? I think that I have surrpasssed the stage of anxious and have seeped into a complete nervous wreck.
I am constantly thinking that I need to please people in all these different ways and if I feel that I have not exceeded, then the anxious sensation sky rockets. There is no reason to feel this way… I am only human and there is only so much that one person can do but how do I convince my mind of that??
Even if I lay as still as a board, at 10pm, I feel that I have a swarm of bees in my ears. Everything just seems so loud yet so quiet.. Anxiety feeds off of the irrational thoughts you let it eat and for no reason you are in another tissy that has no real purpose.